Many people literally don’t know what to do with a penis that isn’t hard. Honestly, for the owner of the soft cock and their sexual partner, it is a whole new ball game. The penis owner needs to get to know his own new body – and reintroduce his soft penis to his partner(s). Introducing a soft cock to anyone takes courage.

For many partners, this will be a novel experience. It will go better if the penis owner does the introduction without shame.

For me, between the ages of 12 and 60, it was unimaginable to introduce a sexual partner to my soft cock. The minute they started to show sexual interest in me, my penis would simply leap up. My erection would bounce and smile, and want to play. Familiar to anybody else?

The pains being experienced by millions of men and their partners due to erectile differences were brought home to me yesterday. I was invited to a seminar with the wonderful experts at My Sexual Health (MSH). MSH has built an international multidisciplinary team of doctors, counsellors, psychologists, pelvic floor physiotherapists, sexologists and sex educators. They’re based mostly in South Africa, with a global reach. The seminar they hosted was a Q&A on my book Beyond Erections. I was thrilled to hear how much value it’s bringing them and their clients.

“I just don’t know what to do with a flaccid penis”

This is a quote from a mature woman whose husband had lost erectile hardness after prostate cancer treatment. When she finally found a way to tell this to Helen Shaw at MSH, it was with a lot of awkwardness. What Helen heard and felt from her was genuine consternation about the loss of closeness to the man she had been with for so long. She literally told Helen she had no idea what to do with a soft cock.

What Helen did was to show her some illustrations from the how-to part of my book. “The image on page 30 – of a hand simply cradling a soft penis – is so loving, so intimate and inviting,” said Shaw. “It really helped this woman to reconnect with her husband. The physical distancing brought on by the changes in his body had been hurting them both.”

Penis owners getting relearning their own new bodies

Here’s what I have found in my own life, and from other soft cock owners I have spoken to in researching the book. We have to re-introduce ourselves to our penises in their softer states. There is no escaping this. It’s not just that we might have had an erection that leapt into action whenever it was wanted (and often when the timing was less appropriate). It is also that the whole world is built around the hard penis as a reference point. Without a fresh start, we can’t know our new bodies, and our partners won’t know what to do with them. And yet I can testify to the truth that a softie can be a lot of fun.

For us to befriend our soft penises is a radical act.

The book offers a way not just for partners, but also for penis owners, to get to know and discover the surprising pleasure that is possible with a soft cock.

Soft cocks are taboo in our sexual culture

Don’t underestimate how big of a taboo it is to own, acknowledge and show up with a soft penis in a sexual situation. It has taken me and my wife years to get used to this. As sex educator Delene van Dyk is quoted in the book and reiterated yesterday, we are all conditioned to see the world through the eye of an erect penis, until we know better.

I was really struck by the costs of the soft cock taboo yesterday. Spending an hour in conversations with MSH medical doctors, psychologists, physios and sex educators, illuminated just how much pain is being endured by so many people as a result of the hard cock convention. Over and over again, these experts recounted desperate stories from their practices. Men not finding places where they can speak openly about their erectile differences. Their partners not knowing what to do with soft cocks. Relationships being stretched to breaking point in the absence of physical closeness and shared sexual pleasure.

And erectile differences are coming to all penis owners, and all their sexual partners. The only variables are time, and the degree to which these changes can be postponed – but not evaded.

Breaking taboos to introduce a soft cock brings rewards

It’s time to break the bonds of these taboos. There are no limits to the pleasures that can be enjoyed by soft cock owners and their partners. My experience and that of so many people I consulted in writing the book confirms this.

There is no change to the number of sensitive nerve endings whether a penis is hard or soft. Orgasms are possible whether hard or soft. Pleasure is not just possible – it is the beacon that lights the way forward. The variety of pleasures is expanded for everybody participating, when sex is less genital-focused and goal-oriented. And sex with erectile differences can still be hot and dirty if you like it that way.