What many people miss the most about hard cock sex is its primal nature. There is something about both giving and receiving raw lustful penetration that seems to take many of us into our animal cores in a very satisfying way. On the other hand, most of us crave sensual intimacy. If sex and even loving touch break down in our relationships we are bereft. The loss of touch has a measurable negative impact on physical and mental health.

What I have found is that softer sex actually promotes sensual intimacy more than hard driving penetrative sex does – at least for me and my partner. Yes, we both enjoy the hot, sweaty laughing closeness and intensity of a passionate and penetrative sexual encounter. But since soft cock sex has become our primary way of making love, I believe we are closer and better connected physically, mentally and emotionally.

Practical comparison of hard and soft sex

Recently we had the opportunity to revisit hard penetrative sex. It was the first time for ages and it was fun! I was trying out a different kind of PDE5i erection medication (here’s my review) which enabled me to maintain a full and firm erection for much longer than has been possible in recent months.

What struck me: the primacy of penetration changed the experience, for me at least. We shared a similar range of loving sensual touch, caresses and stimulation as we do during softer sex. But somehow I got more caught up in the primal thrill of fucking, where usually I am much more aware that I am making love with a person I deeply care about. This primal thing is by no means anonymous, but somehow it feels as if the slider moved towards random anonymous sex and away from loving intimacy.

Maybe it’s what I miss about hard sex – that sense that I am in some ways in the middle of a couple-friendly private porn experience. Or the way it totally takes me out of my “normal” conscious self.

Gains and losses with erectile differences

Here’s what I have gained since I have been softer during sexual play. I feel as if I and my partner have gained deeper connection and deeper understanding. I am having deeper, rolling and more full-bodied climaxes. The cosmic dimension of our lovemaking is more tangible to me.

As Nin Andrews says very poetically, many women naturally tune into sex in a way that is more fluid and less obvious than many men. That generalization was probably true of me when I had ready reliable erections bursting out all over the place. I have always loved sensuality and yet harder driving sex was like a trump card. Penetrative sex grabbed my attention and my desire in a way that pushed everything else into second place. I believe this is true for many men whether in heterosexual or homosexual relationships. My softness has woken me up to the more subtle and fluid aspects of sex – hence the subtitle of this blog “subtler sexy.”

For years I was driven by the loss of hard erections and the desire to get them back. These losses are real. The grief many men (and some men’s partners) feel when hard erections wilt is deeply painful and disorienting. Penetrative sex is wonderful and nothing on this blog is intended to knock it! It’s just that the quest to get it back tended to block me from opening up to new and joyful alternatives.

Tuning into your own hard and soft sex preferences

Overall for me, the gains and losses of shifting towards softer sex are coming towards an even balance. I honestly do love both.

How about you? Where is your attention while making love? How much do you find time and space to enjoy sensual connection with yourself and (if you have one) your partner? And to what extent is the primal drive for penetration the be-all and end-all of your sex life?

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Published On: March 9th, 2025Last Updated: April 3rd, 2025

One Comment

David H May 21, 2025 at 20:30 - Reply

When I had a prostate, penetrative sex was the major part of our sexual intimacy together with oral sex by my wife. Following my orgasm I would then manually massage my wife’s clitoris to orgasm, often several. Oral stimulation of her clitoris was not on the agenda back then.

Following my radical prostatectomy, sexual intimacy was abandoned for years as I recovered physically and psychologically from the loss of, initially, sensory feeling in my penis and lack of erection. As feeling returned to my penis, I kept hoping erections would return but they didn’t – despite my ability to masturbate to orgasm.

My wife and I settled on cuddling and kissing but no sexual intimacy for too many years until a series of events made me propose to my wife that I would like to orally stimulate her vulva and clitoris (less technical words were actually used). To my surprise and pleasure, she readily agreed and I went to a local sex shop and bought water based lubricant, water melon flavoured. We had a wonderful time with oral sex for both and digital penetration of her vagina adding the G-spot stimulation to clitoral orgasms.

From there it was purchase of various vibrators for her and for me with plenty of lube always. I also purchased a clitoral stimulant which gave my wife additional pleasure with my oral attention. Then I signed up with a urologist for penile injections and also was advised to use a vacuum pump to rehabilitate my penis.

I found that injections were not very successful in achieving a full hard erection capable of vaginal penetration and that it took hours for my penis to fully subside. So, pumped erections with constriction rings were next and that was successful in achieving penetration. BBut always the erection faded before either of us were satisfied. I should point out that I always ensured my wife had achieved orgasm via oral means before trying penetration but that both of us greatly enjoyed the pleasure of vaginal sex.

So, after many months of frustration with injections and pumping, we decided on the implant path. I had kept up daily pumping to rehabilitate my corpora cavernosae and the increase in girth over the months showed great success which helped facilitate a successful penile implant. I am now in the recovery stage from the operation with a few more weeks before we can have a trial run which we are both eagerly looking forward to. The whole ‘soft sex’ experience has led me and my wife to a closer intimacy than we have ever had.

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