Beyond Erections – Soft Cock Sex book review by TJ
Beyond Erections (previously entitled Soft Cock Sex) is is one of the most impactful books I have read. As a woman, wife to a man, survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) and a Psychotherapist I approached it with multiple levels of curiosity.
Firstly, it was easy to read. He is factual, honest and even joyful about his subject matter. I felt drawn into the author’s experience and exploration through his experience of prostate cancer in a non-psychologically pathologizing manner.
Male voices about often-undiscussable issues
So many books on sexuality are written by women. This one is a welcome, refreshing man’s view. I felt the many men’s voices in the writing- not only the author’s.
Soft cocks don’t get much positive press and pretty well everything written and spoken about sex and physical intimacy is focused on the excitement of the hard cock.
In its tone, the book offers new ways of thinking about something that I have encountered as being a source of both shame and sadness for many men. The author is open about the loss of the reliably hard cock as a result of his particular experience. Many men encounter this erectile difference – as Mish describes it – for many reasons other than illness.
Shifting from the incessant demands of hard cocks
As a woman, the persistence of the hard cock can be experienced, at times, as an insistent demand – its presence is hard to deny! However, the joy of the soft cock explored in this book gives a very different chemistry to work with in a relationship. To me, it provides space for a different and expanded kind of intimacy.
The book is a discussion starter. For me, it led to conversations with other men affected by prostate cancer. It opened conversations with men who are reticent to talk about the times when they feel their body is failing them. And it led to conversations with women who are in relationship with men. It gives insight into the value of curiosity and exploration. And it’s a refreshingly candid commentary on the way people can be in relationship sexually – which includes a light heartedness, a willingness to be open and vulnerable and a deep ease with one’s body.
Healing ways to revisit male sexuality
As someone who experienced CSA, the book transformed a deeply held (mis)understanding of the way in which men experience their bodies. In some ways this was the most profound and healing aspect for me personally. There is nothing predatory, threatening, engulfing or frightening in the way the book is written and the subject matter covered. Rather, and very surprisingly for me, it evoked joy, happiness, possibility and liveliness. All of which feel essential in finding a way to work with the realities of a changing body for whatever reason. Thank you, Mish, for your generous sharing of your experience and your research.
[Photo by the review author, Isla del Pescado, Salar de Uyuni, Bolivia in the 1990s]
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Thanks very much for the candid discussions. I just bought the book after I saw your discussion with Victoria Cullen. I’m eight months post prostatectomy and have been making a point of talking about my predicament, realizing that men shy away from speaking about their sexual inadequacies. I organized an event at the WHO in Geneva and spoke at the cancer support group here. I believe both men and women should be included in these discussions.