Having the awkward conversations with a partner

It’s awkward talking about ED with a partner or date. Yet erectile differences are just one example of how bodies often function in unexpected ways during sex. Erectile differences are actually more common, and more normal than porn and the Viagra marketers would have us think.

With time, courage and care, we can get beyond the awkwardness. In a live global conversation on Zoom on August 31st, we will explore ways to make these conversations just a little less awkward. Our focus will be on how to talk with a partner or prospective partner about erectile differences – yours or theirs.

Easier to talk about a heart problem or a broken leg

Somehow it’s easier acknowledging body changes and disappointments when we are talking about non-sexual body parts. It is somehow more socially acceptable to say “I have a heart problem” or “my knees don’t bend the way they used to” than to say “my penis doesn’t always get hard in sexual situations” or “it can hurt when my vagina gets penetrated.”

Yet all of these body changes happen – more frequently than we wish, and not only when we get older. The cost of not talking about the sexual changes is that it often leads to bad sex or no sex. And with that comes physical and often emotional isolation.

It is worth getting over the awkwardness.

What it takes to get over the awkwardness

Feedback from previous Beyond Erections live sessions has been that it helps when partners relax into accepting body changes. Often that requires us to share our feelings about disappointments or losses. The stakes feel very high with a partner or date – which is why it can help to practice in a group session like the one on 31 August. You get to talk with other people who are not part of your intimate circle, who are grappling with similar issues.

It can be inspiring to hear what others are learning and doing about these changes. It is also quite liberating to discover that you are not alone.

Losing beloved aspects of your sexual function is painful. It is also painful and risky to acknowledge all kinds of ways you are different from the mainstream. Like kissing frogs – not everybody to whom you reveal your true self will turn out to be the prince or princess you wished for. But those who do appreciate you as you really are – those are the keepers.

Partners can help

People with erectile differences often withdraw from their partners and/or avoid dating, with disastrous consequences. It definitely requires us to own our differences and speak up. And yet it does matter how a partner or prospective partner responds – in a very precarious and fragile situation.

We will share some ways that partners can and do help their loved ones get over the awkwardness and back to intimacy. And quite often both partners have some kind of body changes or differences in sexual function to navigate.

Being accepted as you are

It isn’t fun having these awkward conversations. But they can help us return to intimacy. Physical and emotional intimacy with another person isn’t just fun. It can be the nurturing and rejuvenating balm our bodies and souls desperately need.

Talking openly about yourself, even where your body doesn’t meet mainstream expectations, can be the first step to accepting yourself as you are. And sharing these conversations with a partner or prospective partner can deepen and improve your relationship.

Book now to join the conversation on 31 AugustLive on Zoom - pay what you can

Partnering with Come As You Are

Big thanks to Come As You Are for partnering with us in sharing the word about the ongoing Beyond Erections Live series.

You can buy my book from them, get a very wide and inclusive range of sex toys and aids there, and find other events that expand your sexual possibilities.

Video preview

You can get a taste of these events, including their live and unscripted nature, at this preview of a Beyond Erections Live event.

The video was shot in the new Come As You Are store while I was preparing for a livestream Beyond Erections Live event in July.

Expanding access to Beyond Erections book: Another Story

Another of Toronto’s favourite bookshops now stocks my book Beyond Erections. You can get it at Another Story Bookshop on Roncesvalles Avenue in Toronto’s west end. They are joining several bricks-and-mortar and online options where you can buy the book worldwide.